You Wouldn’t realize it until you lose it

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You Wouldn’t realize it until you lose it.


It was so awkward to hear your mom preach about sex education. I always cover my ears and do some stupid nanana or lalala sounds when she would start talking about it. I never wanted to hear her talk about sex not because it normally feels awkward to hear it from your mom but the way she discusses it makes me cringe and be like what the heck?!

I’m 18 and I know a lot about it like.. hey mom, I’ve been taught about sex ed since I was 6th grade so chill with your unaccountable beliefs towards it. I cringe about her half-funny and scary nonfact facts. Like, when you’d open your legs you wouldn’t be able to close it until your guy leave you. I don’t know about this one, but it might be. Also, Applying too much lipstick could lead to pregnancy. I mean, what the heck? I don’t think lipsticks alone could lure guys. But in my case, what’s the correlation between applying too much of it and pregnancy? I wouldn’t be too stupid to get an attention from my lips. I dress decently and wear decent lipsticks match with my outfit, decent enough not to attract bad attention.

She even said something about time. When you go home past 12 midnight, that means you are likely to be having or you had sex out there. So okay I MIGHT be having sex when I’d be home at past midnight, but how would you know? You could never guess nor judge me right away.

I do appreciate her advice when it comes to enjoying your virginity. Wow sounds so funny, awkward and weird. When you’re still virgin, you won’t crave for sex. Ugh, I don’t know. It depends on a person maybe. I’ve met a lot of girls with a blazing desire to have sex with their first-time boyfriends. And also in my part, no, I ain’t lusty yet.

When you’re virgin, you can’t be pregnant. Of course, who would get pregnant when they weren’t having sex. This was the funniest thing I’ve heard and was the most awkward to hear. No virgin gets pregnant unless uhm..through artificial method.

And yes, being virgin means you are free from STDs. I believe that.

And so, sex is a sin, I shouldn’t have sex unless I’m married. Yes, it is mom, as your religion declares but I don’t think so.  One thing I’ll say, I don’t believe in sin.

So last night I got drunk. Like I passed out, threw up and it was one of the most unforgettable events in my life. I came home super fine at 2 am. Sober. She woke me up just to ask if I was having sex. So disturbing. Cringing. lol. I came home super virgin. Made her smile a bit. Then I came back to sleep.

I think the only thing you realize when you’re no longer virgin is that the innocence you have when you still have it. I don’t think being not virgin changes your life so much and it’s a big deal. I think the only thing that would change is that you have tried sex and know what it’s like and maybe your timetable would definitely change. You’re going to add the date and time you are going to have sex in your busy week. So that’s kind of a big deal. Plus perhaps, when you are no longer a virgin, you going to choose between a real workout and sex.

You Wouldn’t realize it until you lose it.


But I don’t think so. Nothing will change except your mundane schedule.


Got Dropped. Put into Detention. My fault but was not my fault.

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I lied. I’m a master of it. But I was wrong. So wrong.

Last day, I received a horrible message from our Physical education professor. She tried calling me earlier that day, but my phone was on flight mode. She dropped me due to my two consecutive absences. I didn’t show up because I was feeling lazy for a class that starts at 1 pm then to 3 pm. She didn’t even ask me for my reasons, she blatantly told our class that she’d drop for not showing up for two days. Of course, that made our class gossipped about me to the point that I’ve heard something that I was absent because I contacted some STDs. I approached my professor then straightly told her with my nerves that she can’t drop me because I’m an athlete. I didn’t know how stupid my reason was until she just laughed and left. Yes, it was a horrible dumb reason I realized. The next day, Thursday, I finally made up some reasons to convince her not to drop me. So I came up with I had four-day nosebleeds. Although I did have nosebleeds for a couple of days. She then asked me to show my medical certificate issued by our clinic but then shit  because I was desperate, I didn’t realize that my record didn’t coincide with the days I was absent to her class, so it made it invalid and I was about to be burnt in hell.

It made her sick knowing I tried to lie as much as I can. So she then told me to go to the guidance office for counseling and whatever shit I had to take. I went there chilling as if I don’t have any problems. The counselor asked Why did I have to lie like that and come up with such invalid reasons. I told her it was too hot outside to do sports.

Shit happened again when our professor  put me into detention for lying. Without any shame, I told her that I can sue her for dropping me with only  two absences when the university’s rule is three absences. She reasoned that for the next two weeks she won’t be present until our midterms so what grade will she give to me. It was great to hear that It will be my problem if she’ll not be on. I still fought for my right though I know I was somehow wrong, totally wrong for lying. But it’s my right to appeal that she wasn’t being fair about the absence rule and about her presence for the next couple of weeks.

She just listened to my then said that I should not expect a grade higher that 3.0. What the heck. She was not being fair. It was an exaggeration of her biased rule. Why would I only get a grade  not higher than 3? that’s too low for a student in our university to get. I didn’t get any grade lower that 2 in our all courses and then she expected me to get only 3? It’s so unfair, she haven’t seen my capabilities yet. I reasoned out my shit again to the detention officer hoping to get an empathy.

After battling for almost an hour of shit, I won. She didn’t drop me. But it traumatized me a bit. As the consequence of my lies, I made choose a 72-hour school service, that includes cleaning the toilet, cleaning in the library and other halls  or a three-day suspension with flexible dates in the whole December. As any smart and good student would do, I chose a three-day suspension from 16th to 18th. I won’t have classes in those days so darn it made me feel good about my decision. Eh, who would volunteer to clean the campus and the toilets? Sorry but that would be very humiliating to be honest. Also, that would consume my energy, my precious time and that would eat my pride.

I’ll have to see my professor in my PE class this Tuesday and I’ll be glad to see her reaction. Too excited to punch her with my presence. Anyway, grades in PE won’t affect my GPA. So, I stayed chill and breezy as hell.

But, I’ve learnt some lessons. Lie for your own good. And,  Think before you lie unless you’re super smart.

Cursed for using both hands

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Been on a lot of research about using both hands. Sounds ambiguous. There are some people who have no dominant hands in doing works such of eating or a simple housework. Is it in a rule to have a dominant and submissive hand? Is it a fault to neither have a dominant left nor right hand? According to what I’ve found out, a person who can use both hands equally is called ambidextrous. An example of it was my grandpa. He used both of his hands in writing.

It was Friday, almost 11 pm at a nearby South Asian Restaurant. I was badly surprised while I was eating a seaweed soup when an old lady with two bags and a “tourist hat” near the counter somewhat yelled at me and my brother-in-law about my style of eating. She spoke like these in an irritated manner: “rude eating you have poor blessing”. I thought she meant that I didn’t like the soup, so I literally slurped the soup in a quite loud noise hoping to draw an attention that I liked it since long ago I was told that South Asians love to hear you slurping the soup as in indicates of appreciation while it’s uncommon practice for us Southeast Asians.

My brother only gave me a puzzled look since he generally doesn’t talk with me (language barrier maybe- he knows limited English and a little of my language) except he introduces food and wine. But how could I be sure that the old lady meant it to me. So still, I continued eating and with the daunting thought. I almost finished was about to go when the old lady talked to the staff who confronted me about my style of eating. The staff then asked us and told on how the lady sees my style as really rude and offensive for the diners. I was shocked. I found it offensive how she told my brother on how offensive it is to use your left hand with chopsticks and right hand with a spoon. How did it become a big deal? She should’ve asked me first about what hand I use while eating or using such utensils. Since she couldn’t speak  English well, she just spoke to my brother while her eyes on me that lasted for like two minutes. I just sat down while watching them talking without understanding them. The cook came out in confusion hoping to fetch something from the commotion. I became nervous  when customers started to look. What the hell did I do? Why is it a problem to the old lady? And why did the cook came into their conversation, he just added the tension.

I totally felt bad for the situation. Couldn’t she just straightly confront me or just give a harsh look enough for me to realize how bad my style was. I should’ve done a research first on how to properly use the chopsticks.

I use chopsticks with my left hand every time I needed it and since it was introduced to me. I can even also use it with my right hand if necessary. I sometimes use a spoon with my left and always in my right. I write with my right hand but when it gets tired I use my left hand. I use both hands in writing and in using scissors. I never see it as a problem while I was growing up. I’m not left-handed. I’m right-handed since I sign with my right hand.

So about the chopsticks incident, I was told about the chopsticks etiquette that made me shocked again. Using chopsticks with your left is unpleasant to behold and implicates a bad manner. I told her that I use both hands well, but I didn’t know if she understood it. I expressed my curiosity about their conversation about my manner, but as expected I got no reply. The funny thing was she just said this after from my series of “what”: “next time eating eating uh no use kaliwa (left)”.

We left the restaurant in silence. I learnt a lesson. My day was shattered but still somehow I was quite jolly since I broke her day.

I couldn’t imagine how weird it was. I’m ambidextrous.

In the Wind, I’m in Love

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Loving the idea of a person who was never there, was the most obtuse thing that I did and still do.

Is it wrong to love someone who you just talk in the wind? Is wrong to think of the idea that they exist? Is it wrong to have that person running through your imagination?

Loving the idea of a person who was never there, was the most wonderful thing. It made me realize that I can live without that person and just hold on the idea of his existence.

Is it wrong to love someone who you only feel in the wind? Is it wrong to hope for their real existence? Is it wrong to seal them inside your everlasting thoughts?

Loving the person’s idea in the wind, would be good for now.

In the wind, I’m in love


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It took me months to battle against my laziness, but here I am now. I just took an extra careful about my words as I fear that someone I know might read what I have posted. There’s nothing wrong. There’s nothing to hide. There’s nothing to fear of.

There’s this mask that I’ve been wearing.

There’s this mask that I’ve been trying to remove.

I’ve been waiting for the right person to take off my mask from me, but what mask? they’re of many kinds.

There’s this mask that I’ve been wearing.

There’s this mask that attracts depression.

I’ve been waiting for the right time to choose a new mask to wear, but when will it be?

No one knows.

Neither me nor you.

Mouths Full of Shit

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Being a frequent traveler, I’ve met a lot of people with different personalities and lifestyles. It has been my passion to explore every astonishing place that would come in my mind. Just recently, I went to such an amazing place to celebrate the fiesta and festival. When I was roaming around in a rural area, I happened to be acquainted with a teenage girl who is so loquacious and bright. After a few chitchat, she toured me around the place. The mountains and the river are so promising. After from a long-hour tour, we went to her home and introduced me to her family. They are hospitable, jolly and so loquacious as well.

After my uncle granted me the permission to stay with my friend’s family, I’ve spent my cheerful time with them. At the first moment, I thought they accidentally had a word of a swear word when my friend and her father were preparing the dinner. I was shocked of what I’ve heard. It was kind of appalling yet funny. I could not understand why I felt that way. “Put that shit outa this shit”. “Clean this shit”. “Put eight shit”. All of their moves were accompanied by the word “shit”. I was terrified. Who on Earth would do things and say a lot of the word shit? I became anxious by them, but they didn’t seem like they want to poison everyone. I calmly sat for dinner and carefully chew every matter on my plate. Again, I heard the one-word again while they were eating. “oh my shit”, were my friend’s words when she react on a joke about her love-life.

I became confused then. Why saying shit in front of a meal became a norm to them? I meant, I just wonder why saying “shit” while even eating the dinner is just so common. I’ve never even said anything close to profanity when I’m in front of a table or with parents. But to be honest, I say shit a lot when I’m with my friends but not like when I make it normal.

After the dinner, I helped her clean the table and do the dishes. Again, I’ve heard the word, when her family was having fun while discussing the fiesta. Out of my curiosity, I asked her why saying shit became common to them. “Oh my shit”, was her reply while laughing. I was puzzled and couldn’t help myself so I laughed too hard too. She then said that shit is neither a profanity nor a form of an insult unless you do really intend to say it to someone or mean it, if not then it is merely a form of an expression. I was so puzzled and kept asking her of nonsense questions just to satisfy my curiosity. I’ve asked like, when did you first use that word? How did your family make it normal? Do you say it even in school or with people? What if someone who’s not used to it could here you? Does your family still say it whenever you go to malls or anywhere? A lot of questions circulated in my confused mind. I wasn’t satisfied by her funny answers. She stated that she doesn’t care if people hear her say shits because it’s just normal, because most of the people say such words like shit. I had no further reactions then other than my puzzled face and my uncertain laugh.

The next day, we went to the festival with her younger brother for about 8-year-old. There were a lot of people in the streets that we were not able to see the parade. Her brother was really eager to see the parade. So then being the tallest amongst us three, I carried her brother on my shoulder for his sake to see the parade. He was too heavy for me to carry so I was outbalanced and accidentally dropped him on the ground. He cried and uttered for like thousands of the word “shit”. He didn’t actually mean to say shit to me but was just his expression for anger and disappointment. But oh my gosh he said so much of the word “shit”, he’s just an eight-year-old kid. I then had enough of his bad mouth so I told him of how bad that word is and had told some less harsh words. I don’t mean to be a pretender, and yes I do say shit sometimes. His sister then told me that I shouldn’t speak like that to him because he’s too young to know some things and that he doesn’t know how horrible the word “shit” is and it is just “normal” word. I had no choice but just agree with her so our day would not be spoilt.

We then continued our day. I saw some colourful balloons with a cotton-candy in it. Her younger brother’s reaction was priceless when I bought two. I was so glad but LOL then he uttered shit again! “This is so delicious, what’s the name of this shit?” I just laughed and said this shit is cotton-candy. Her sister laughed so hard after she heard me said “shit” for the first time in a normal situation aside from when we were in bare feet crossing the river and I accidentally slipped and said “shit” loudly. I too was shocked.

When we were home, her mom asked us if what shit we brought from the festival.

After the festival, I decided to leave and continue my travels. For my 2-day stay with her family, I’ve learnt a lot of things and word. On the fact on how they bond together is amazing. Despite describing as “shit” to each other, they’re still joyful with each other. At first I felt like I was a bit offended when his father asked where the shit I came from. But now I understand them. It is just the word that made them totally different from other families I’ve met and know. They are just weird and incredible in their own way.  I’ve realized that when you are in a place with different people with unique individuality, you get influenced. Sometimes when I travel alone and go to places where I meet people, I influence them a little of my ways like on how I eat, speak or think.

My friend’s family is one-of-a-kind, in such uniquely bizarre ways. I admit that I was a bit influenced by saying “shit” as an all-time expression. But I’m glad that when I left I didn’t bring “shit” with me except when in dealing with inevitable foolish situations. I’m hoping that for whoever will be their next guest, hope he won’t be bringing shits on his way home.

Lastly, all I can say is that I’m blissful to experience such a great and weird time with the people whose mouths are full of shit in a uniquely amazing way.

Mother’s Day: Expressing the figures of love through actions rather than by words

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I live in a big and small family, yes you heard it right. I have two families. I have 5 siblings and none on the other side. My life is pretty amazing as I’m growing up. I live in a life where the odds are in my favour. I’m usually all over the places. I travel a lot. I’m a black-sheep on the other side and a spoilt kid on the other half. I always run away and usually don’t settle in one place, because I got two homes luckily. I run to the other side when I get into trouble in the other side. I’m like a rebellious kid out of nowhere. But I can say that I’m well nurtured by two mothers whom I cannot live without. I love my two mothers, but I could not even say a single word that would merely express love. I don’t even know why. Perhaps I was born of not getting used of saying phrases like “I love you”, “take care”, “I miss you” and “goodnight”. I never heard those from them. Well, except “goodnight”, rarely from my 2nd mom. “You gotta do your best else you’ll be a loser”, “Don’t ever do anything that will humiliate me”, those lines are memorable to me as I always hear it from my 1st mother when I compete in school or bond with teachers.

My 1st mother, a school teacher, a great model, a loving mom and one of the two women behind my successful dreams. I greatly adore her. I could not even have the guts to tell her how blessed I am to be her daughter. I don’t have the courage to say anything sweet to her, even “thank you”. Am I a bad daughter? Am I a normal daughter in a normal family? I could not even remember the times that I thanked her. I can still remember when I was elementary, we were asked to make a card for moms. I made one and gave it to her but her face showed nothing, an expressionless face appeared to me. Probably because she was too busy writing something when I gave her the letter. But though I didn’t hear her saying “I love you” to me, she will still be my great heroine. Though I’m the family’s black-sheep, I amazingly feel her care and love for me even I’m pretty cold and chill towards things at home. I can feel her saying I Love You through some things she expresses like brushing my hair and or do something about my looks when I’m in a hurry. I love my mother though I could not tell it to her personally. It is so awkward to say the things I barely or never been said to her, but love cannot be only expressed by words. It can only be express through actions and feelings. I am blessed I am being loved by a beautiful loving mother.

My 2nd mother, a mentor, my reminder, a super strict mother and one of the great two heroines who molded me to become a person bounded with values and philosophy. I greatly adore this woman for being such a great mother to me. Though I’m adopted, I feel like her own flesh and blood. I grew up being a spoilt kid to her for being the only child in the family. I know what it feels to be the eldest, the youngest, the third child and the only child in the family, it is really complicated to think. She is one of the heroines that always saves me when I’m feeling lost. She is strict and moody while I’m pretty chill and neutral. We always fight verbally, I couldn’t help myself but love her even more. From a long fight, we laugh together afterwards. From all of the sweet moment we have had, I never said anything sweeter than candy. Except when I was on a vacation worried, and couldn’t sleep, she gave me an advice and all of the sudden I threw a word to her that was out of nowhere. I said “goodnight” after I was relieved. I love this woman so much though I’ve never heard her saying I Love You to me. She always alerts me whenever I have meetings or important thing to do. She is my memo keeper and reminder and I love her dearly. She even tied my shoelaces while I was fixing my hair just for me not to be late for the first day of class. I’m always a kid to her and though, I’ll be a responsible loving kid to her.

You might think I might be crazy for not being able to say such words even “goodnight”. I don’t get used in hearing and saying those words because my family are fond in expressing the figures of love through actions rather than by words. I don’t even say Goodmorning to my mothers. I don’t even say something sweeter than a candy when I hug them. But still I grew up with a great love in my heart. Both of my mothers raised me well. Thank God I grew up sophisticated, well-bred and equipped with values. I’m proud to say that because of them, because of those heroines.

They would never be able to hear or read these greetings due to some complex emotions of mine. I would not be able to greet them on facebook or LinkedIn. I would not be able to greet them personally. They don’t have to read this for them to know how I greatly blessed for them because if I would express how I feel for them, I wouldn’t be able to write then. Because how you feel towards your mother is cannot be fully written, it can be fully expressed by actions.

Happy Mother’s Day to you Mama and Mommy. Happy Mother’s day to all mothers.